It had been going on for over two hours.
The kids were scared. My oldest was at ballet and my husband was working hours away. But my heart arrhythmia (supraventicular tachycardia) would not give up the ghost.
We headed to the emergency room.
A few days prior I met with a Catholic life coach for moms. A business colleague of mine, she and I had both been in a high-performance mastermind together.
God kept prompting me to reach out to her for a session to sort through all of the rumbling thoughts bubbling over the pot’s edge since my 4th was born earlier this year.
She opened with prayer, asking God to put an obstacle in the way of any path that wasn’t for me.
I couldn’t stop thinking about that as the nurse ran a sodium channel blocker through my IV as my kids sat across from the hospital bed.
My heart finally calmed and I could breathe deeply again.
Since the age of 15 when I first started bussing tables at a local family restaurant, I’ve been hustling. Many times working two jobs. Or a job and a business.
Then having babies and working from home. Two babies turned into homeschooling turned into three.
And you know what? For the most part, I’ve LOVED it.
I’ve loved all of the iterations of who I’ve been and the gifting I’ve had the privilege to lean into. Just through my coaching business alone I’ve clocked 1,000s of hours leading 1:1 calls serving other women. It’s been an honor.
But after my 4th was born something shifted. It wasn’t that I wanted to be solely a stay at home mom and not have a “thing” of my own, it’s that the “thing” has started to shift.
I’ve always believed that it’s important to pay attention to when a season of life has shifted and to not hang on to what has passed.
It’s human nature to be wary of change and to long for what was.
But in the longing and holding on, we stall out what’s coming next.
I believe that God has something great in the works, and I don’t want to be the obstacle to the work he is doing in me.
And I also can’t squash this feeling of failure.
Because when you’ve hustled and achieved and built since the age of 15, slowing down feels like giving up. It feels like admitting you don’t know what you’re doing.
In this season? Maybe I actually don’t know.
It’s uncomfortable to no longer be where you once were, but also not know where it is you’re going.
It feels tidier and easier to keep doing what I’ve been doing. What I am excellent at and known for and have years of experience backing me up. I am grateful for steady clients, for people finding me out of nowhere, and a mature business.
And….it’s also in some ways holding me back.
I read once in the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks that:
“The temptation is strong to remain in the Zone of Excellence; it’s where your own addiction to comfort wants you to stay. It’s also where your family, friends, and organization want you to stay. You’re reliable there, and you provide a steady supply of all the things that family, friends, and organizations thrive on. The problem is that a deep, sacred part of you will wither and die if you stay inside your Zone of Excellence.”
What is God calling me toward?
I don’t know.
Perhaps you’re in a similar boat and you don’t know either.
Seven years ago, I felt so lost on what my purpose was. I began working with a life coach and through our sessions, I discovered longings and talents I didn’t know I had.
The seeds from that season of dormancy became the business I have today, my podcast, and a legacy of helping other mothers pursue their dreams.
It’s winter again.
And just like then, I’m allowing myself the space to slow down, follow the bread crumbs, plant seeds, and rewrite narratives around failure, success, slowing down, and speed.
If you can relate, here’s an anchor:
This won’t last forever.
Just like the baby stage, where it seems like they go from being a little peanut in your arms, to running, to then pursuing their own passions and dreams as older children.
It goes by in a snap.
Someday, we’ll both look back and see how the path was there along.
We just didn’t know it yet.
Have courage and press on.
I’ll see you on the other side.
This is such a profoundly honest piece, Kate. Thank you for sharing the vulnerability of that "liminal space."
The heart arrhythmia incident following the prayer for an obstacle is a literal and deeply symbolic wake-up call. When your body forces you to slow down, and your lifelong identity is wrapped up in being a "hustler" and an "achiever," the feeling of failure is so hard to shake.
That quote from The Big Leap is spot on. It's so much easier and more comfortable to stay in the Zone of Excellence where everyone expects you to be, but the soul dies there. The courage required to step into that uncomfortable "I actually don't know" space is immense.
What an anchor to remember: This won’t last forever. Thank you for validating the process of winter and the necessary slowness required before the next big thing takes root. I’m cheering you on in this new season! ❤️
I relate to this so much. I'm coming out of a long winter & still not sure what this "spring" will bring. another friend and I were chatting about it last week, and it just feels disorienting. but I agree with you - it's just a season !!!!!